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Jokes |
Posted 27 July 2005:
Two builders are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
I reckon he's an accountant. No way - he's a stockbroker.
He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder ...Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Oh! What's that then?
I'll try to explain by example ...Do you have a goldfish at home?
Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
It's in a pond!
Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!
Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Yep! Four nights a week!
Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Me? Never
Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
How's that then?
Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life!
I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.
I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Yep! He's a logical scientist!
What's that then?
I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Nope
Well then, you're a wanker. |
Word a Day |
A word a day keeps the dictionary away.
Posted 8 Dec 2004:
BELLICOSE
If something is bellicose it is warlike in manner or temperament. |
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2 September 2008
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8 out of 10 - it's still a pass.
Tuesday 2 September 2008 - 12.40pm
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Firstly, this is almost a waste of time, since any music I listen to is either a) the same great songs time and time again, or b) Leash's music. but anyways... skipping two of the questions...
1. What was the most recent album you bought? Is it any good?
Leash (and me... sorta!) got Flight of the Conchords - brilliant stuff. Was a short while after buying the DVD of Season One. We quote it all the time, and keep singing little snippets of their songs... I think that counts as good.
2. You have one song to impress the crowd on Singstar. Assuming you can pick any relatively famous song to wow the audience, what would it be?
Actual SingStar songs; I'd probably go for Father and Son. Any song; if I didn't care whether I was any good, I'd go for Queen - You're My Best Friend.
3. Name one artist that you were very late in discovering – but you really are pleased you gave a go/found out about.
I think Crowded House would fit that description - I didn't really know much of them at all until I got to 5th form music, and people were talking about them... Sad eh? I blame my parents.
4. You can invite five people around for one of those fantasy dinners. They all have to be musicians (dead or alive). Who do you choose?
Let's start with Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement (Flight of the Conchords) and definately Danny Elfman (film/television composer), cause I want to make a movie with those three one day. I'd probably then get Don Henley (Eagles). And to round it off, maybe Barry Gibb? (Bee Gees).
5. What is your favourite TV theme from the past? And your favourite current one?
I've always loved Friends, and I guess that'd count as past? I don't watch so much TV these days - it's all on DVD. But I guess I do like CSI's Who Are You by the Who.
6. What is the one band that has yet to reunite that you would be interested in hearing again?
The impossible Queen or Beatles.
7. You have been given free tickets that you have to use. Only problem (if it is a problem) is you have a choice of seeing Westlife, Celine Dion or Crazy Frog. What do you choose and why?
I'd probably go see Westlife - cause I'd take Leash and I imagine she'd prefer them!
8. If you could make one current musician “disappear” – no questions asked – who would it be?
I can't really say - there are plenty I dislike, but none I dislike to the extent that I'd want to prevent others from hearing them? Maybe... I might change that opinion if I hear James Blunt screaming that some girl's beautiful again...
Mood: None entered
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13 June 2008
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Healthy Lifestyle
Friday 13 June 2008 - 2.00pm
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Last night, while watching biggest Loser (I haven't watched it all the way through, I like to cheat and just watch the finale) and being amazed at the transformations these people go through, I got to thinking - where are the celebrities encouraging "healthy lifestyles"? We have celebrities endorsing PETA, celebrities endorsing Peace, endorsing this, endorsing that - but what about endorsing people improving themselves?! Now, as leash mentioned last night when I was rambling about this, there are a few that do "exercise programs", yoga, pilates, or whatever, and of course Chuck Norris with his Bowflex, or whatever it is? But they aren't endorsing healthy lifestyle, just trying to make a few dollars. Why is this? Is that because there aren't organisations out there seeking celebrity endorsement? Or because these organisations don't exist? Or what? I'd guess that if organisations like this did exist, that they'd be more government-funded style ones, so maybe the endorsements are just local, and the rugby players and olympians we get encouraging "lamb and beef" and "30 minutes a day" are it for us, because we're a smaller nation? If there's anyone overseas reading this - do you get much in the way of celebrities encouraging healthy/active lifestyles? I'd be interested to know... But at any rate, it seems sad that people can exist in the sort of state they do now - and it's not just their fault, society is far too accepting. When someone weighs too much to get out of bed of their own accord - maybe you should STOP BRINGING THEM BUCKETS AND BUCKETS OF FRIED CHICKEN TO EAT??!?!?!?! Now don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with not being "slim" - in fact, it's arguable that there's something wrong with actually being too slim. But we all know that. I just think everyone should be healthy - when your weight and lack of fitness is at the point like those people started biggest loser, then there's something wrong - and more often that not it's your entire lifestyle! Lack of activity and too much unhealthy food - both are required to reach those sort of levels! Now, granted, I was only ever "pushing 110kg" at my maximum, nothing like the ~180kg top of the weight range on Biggest Loser, but seeing that weight on the scales made me stop and think "whoah, something has to change. I have to change." But that 'this is not acceptable' mentality seems to be extremely lacking in this society - and those people that do reach it, they're so far gone they don't feel they have the strength left to do anything about it. But anyways, my point was suppsed to be this - society needs to change it's views about obesity; we need to make everyone realise it's NOT okay, and actually encourage and help those that are stuggling with it. Everyone always agrees "it's not okay", that's the easy bit. But there's not enough support and encouragement to those that need it. And that's where celebrity endorsement should come in. Wow. A lot longer than I expected it to be.
Mood: None entered
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5 June 2008
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As I sit here lamenting...
Thursday 5 June 2008 - 8.47am
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In advance for the day that will soon come to pass, I ponder what I will do this evening, now that I won't have to spend it lamenting. That sentence seems rather circular in retrospect. Why am I writing? That's a good question, but don't ask it, I have no answer. I sit here, at this desk, surrounded by my work-"mates" who so constantly seem to get on my nerves. The two people whose company I actually enjoy are distanced by the fact one works down the other end of our floor area and the other is very casual part-time. (Bec's and Dan, respectively, for those of you who may know any of the people I work with... i.e. leash) Every day, I come to work, dreading the day that will follow the relatively ambivalent first half hour (read: I have nothing I need to do, and those things I should do I neglect in favour of savouring the few moments of having nothing I need to do). When I sit at my desk, it re-encourages me to write my screenplays, to animate my webisodes, to do anything and everything on my writing/animation projects list. But then work starts. The first few hours aren't so bad; it's a new day, I have a decent amount of energy - although this often requires a morning caffeine fix in the form of Lift Plus or Mountain Dew - and I think a lot about my writing and things while I work. Then the day begins to drag. Sure, if I'm lucky, I get an hour for lunch. And then the day continues to drag. Drag a lot. And the worst part of this? When I finally get to leave, albeit later than I'm paid for, nine times out of ten, I'm so drained that when I get home I have no energy left to focus on the projects I was so ready to attack that morning, the very projects that will get me out of this job and into a line of work I know I will end up in. That's why it takes so long to write. Not because I don't want to, but because the main motivator I have, also becomes the main hurdle to overcome to having enough energy to focus. Does that make sense? But to end on a positive note; I've finished my first screenplay! Sort of... I've finished the second draft, at least. I'm working towards the third draft at the moment. Being the first actual screenplay I've finished, it seems strange to have it at a point where I could, in theory, be sending it off to agents, but I want to work on it more. Which gets me to wondering; will it ever get to a point where I feel it's ready? Or will I simply end up thinking "Okay, I've spent enough time on this now, so I'll send it off and focus on my next project." But at any rate, I'm starting to feel like a writer now. Before, I was some guy who wanted to be a writer. But in finishing it, even though the only people who have read it are my parents and sister, I feel a sense of accomplishment. (I had written a teleplay for the first episode of Dixon Court, and a 6 page script for an animated webisode I am going to make, but this was the first actual screenplay.) Speaking of who's read it; if anyone out there wants to give it a read (it's 82 pages after the second draft, though this may increase after the third; I have some points which need fleshing out), then flick me an email or leave a comment - any feedback is greatly appreciated! (Of course, you'll have to agree not to let anyone else read the screenplay, or discuss it with them, without checking with me, and making sure they agree the same... I can't let it get out too much...) I've set a personal goal of finishing this by the end of June - I was talking to my little sister Hannah when we went to Auckland for my Uncle's funeral in January, and to keep her from being distracted I "led her thoughts" to a point where she had a semi-story line. I took it from there and this screenplay was the result. So six months, while working full-time and also dabbling with other projects, seems like a decent time-frame for my first script! Then all I'll need to do will be to choose any one of the 30 or 40 other ideas I have listed at home to make into my second script (although I might take a short break between the two screenplays to work on my animation or something. Depends how I feel.) Well, this has become rather a novel; and once again I feel motivated to write... Oh work day, how I loathe thee. Until later, Simon
Mood: None entered
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2 May 2008
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"It's your last day!"
Friday 2 May 2008 - 8.40am
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I thought leash's entry led on quite nicely to an entry I'd been meaning to do for several days regarding musings on the use of the english language. As Leash alluded to in her entry, people have a knack for stating the obvious in an exciting, thoughtful way, despite the fact you obviously (and that's an understatement) know the answer already. As well as her example of "It's your last day!", I have recently been subject to the "You had a hair cut!" treatment. This got me to thinking. Now, the manner in which it is stated would in reality require greater than the single exclamation mark I have used for illustrative purposes in the above two examples. Yet all the person is doing is making a statement, and a boring and obvious one at that. It is for that reason I have decided to in future refer to all such remarks as "exclements" - the 'excla-mation' of something which requires none, and should indeed just be a 'state-ment'. If you can't see where I got exclament from the above quite indiscreet typing, I'm not going to bother explaining it. So, what do you do when faced with an exclament? My responses have generally fallen into 3 catergories, dependant on both the asker, and the level of energy I possess at the time of the asking. I will use my recent experience with "You got a hair cut!" as an example; Response 1: the sarcastic response - "Really? I didn't notice, your powers of observation astound me." Response 2: the joking response - "Yeah, it came as a surprise to me to - I just woke up and it had all fallen out!" Response 3: the I-don't-feel-like-talking response - "Yep." Seriously, people, don't share your exclament! It's half an exclamation, half a statement, but it's all crap! That's all for this time round, but don't worry, I have more... much, much more... Cheers Simon
Mood: None entered
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15 April 2008
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bOring, with a capital O! ('cause the bee was busy...)
Tuesday 15 April 2008 - 8.03pm
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I is lamenting over the sad state of the Journals... Join me!
How be it so differing from a time not so long passeth?
*Reminisces back a few years* (That's a few years back that I was reminiscing about, not reminsicing about an undefined time, for a few years...)
Now, admittedly, I did indeed miss a large era in the world of the Journals, but I still did see a lot more interesting times than this site now doth offer. Not to detract from those of us that do write entries (although, I find my entries both infrequent and uninteresting on the whole) but I think the main cause of the lack of journal-tastic goodness is... well... the fact that those of us that do write entries, can be defined as such. That all those who once wrote, no longer leave evidence of their real-world lives on this pseudo social network for the others of us to enjoy. If you get what I mean. Not that you would; hell, I don't. I guess what I'm getting at, is that I'm lamenting the old-agedness that many of our journals, once so youthful and energetic, are now displaying, evident in their lethargy and inactivity, and the fact that when they do tell tales you find them boring and uninteresting, yet feel the need to read, and oftentimes, comment, merely because they were once one of the youthful and respected members of this society, and don't have the heart to tell them "Yo bitches, y'all is bOring!".
So, that's why I've initiated a 12-step plan which will bring our beloved Journals back up to scratch!
...
Unfortunately I've only come up with step 1 so far... and that's to come up with 11 more steps on how to improve the up-to-scratchedness of the journals... ideas and/or suggestions are more than welcome.
Well, I think it safe to say "I make no sense!"
Mood: None entered
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2 April 2008
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Word
Wednesday 2 April 2008 - 5.13pm
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1- Where is your cell phone?
Pocket 2- Your hair? Grey 3- Work? Necessary 4- Your father? Teacher 5- your favourite thing? Creativity 6- your dream last night? Forgotten 7- your favourite drink? Juice 8- your dream car? Automated 9- The room you are in? Office 10- your fears? Mediocrity 11- What do you want to be in 10 years? Screenwriter 12- Who did you hang out with last night? Leashy 13- What you are not good at? Sports 14- Muffin? Chocolate 15- One of your wish list items? Camcorder 16- Where did you grow up? Palmy 17- Last thing you did? Work 18- What are you wearing? Clothes 19- What aren't you wearing? Stilettos 20- Your pets? Nonexistent 21- your computer? Writing 22- Your life? Leashy 23- Your mood? Tired 24- Missing? Leashy 25- what are you thinking about right now? Leashy 26- Your car? Toy 27- Your summer? Busy 28- your relationship status? **huggles** 29- your favourite colour? Teal 30- When was the last time you laughed with meaning? Today 31- last time you cried? Unsure 32- school? Finished 33- least favourite weather? Hot 34- soup? Meat 35- movie? Definately!
Mood: None entered
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16 March 2008
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Penis.
Sunday 16 March 2008 - 9.30pm
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Mood:  Penis
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8 February 2008
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P
Friday 8 February 2008 - 12.57pm
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Is it me, or when you see a lone capital 'P', do you think to yourself "Huh, that emoticon has no eyes... oh... wait... it's just a P."????
Mood: None entered
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7 February 2008
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Hello slightly modified goals!
Thursday 7 February 2008 - 11.13pm
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Well, after a little deliberation I have 'slightly altered' my goals for the year - they have not changed, and I do not need to change them, they still stand, however, in respect to finishing Dixon Court, this has become lower priority than writing spec screenplays and submitting them to potential agents. After careful consideration and (finally) thinking logically, I have realised how obvious it is that the path of least resistance to getting into the movie industry will be to write, write, and write some more.
Now, when I say least resistance, I obviously mean comparatively to my initial idea of making the first episode of Dixon Court to completion just to try and get my foot in the door... it will still be ridiculously hard, but I have full confidence that I will make it, be it this year, next year, or the year after!
I will continue to write, continue to develop ideas (I currently have 20+ ideas, of which around 4 are close to being ready to write the first draft of the screen play, half a dozen have the basic plot line, and the rest are just a premise or idea that I think would be fun to play with) and continue to send my treatments and/or scripts in to agents until one of them accepts me, and then continue until one of my movies get made.
Finding an agent here, though, could be another problem - after many hours spent googling (thank-you, downtime at work) it appears there are only a dozen literary agents in little ol' NZ, and only half of them deal with screenplays... But moving to Aussie in a year can only help me on that front, as there will be a lot more there, I'm sure (though I haven't looked yet). And the great thing about writing is, I don't care where I am when I do it! All I need is my pen, paper, and imagination (and, in the latter stages, a computer or lap-top would be useful). Some producers and production companies require you to be within a reasonable proximity if you want to work with them, but there are plenty who don't require that. That said, I'm pretty flexible about moving, and I'm sure Leash will be too (all we know is we want to go to Aussie, at least for a while).
Well, that was an odd ramble...
But as they say, if you never have any dreams, they can't come true.
Mood: None entered
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3 February 2008
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Juno
Sunday 3 February 2008 - 9.44pm
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Go SEE it! Leash and I saw this at the cinema on Friday night, and I have to agree that the reviews are right... I hate that.
Okay, a little contradictory, I know, but don't you hate when someone is good at something from the get-go? Diablo Cody was a stripper. She enjoyed writing, so had a blog somewhere, which had a lot of fans, and then some movie producer asked her if she had any scripts he could look at... She didn't.
For a while, at least.
Then she thought of Juno... her first script, she writes it and they make it into a movie. (Virtually shooting from her first draft! Almost unheard of in "the biz", or so I've read.) It gets awesome reviews and then, to top it all off, she gets nominated for an Oscar. Whether she wins or not, it's the sort of success story that makes people who have been, and will be, trying for ages to break into screenwriting, Extremely Annoyed.
Granted, I haven't actually written any screenplays (just many, many ideas jotted down), so it could still happen for me - aside from the part about being a stripper before hand - but I'm not stupid, I realise that's (almost certainly) not going to happen. I'm prepared to write dozens, even hundreds, of spec scripts if that's what's needed to get one made into a film, but there'll always be a part of me that hates people like her, not for who she is, but for the ridiculously fairytale-esque success story that will forever more accompany the name 'Diablo Cody'.
Sure, a little over-dramatic, but what the hell. It can only aid in my determination, right?
Oh, and by the way, I know you're probably wondering why I don't start writing some scripts (the odds of getting them made into films would then definately increase) but I've told myself I'll finish episode one of Dixon Court first. (Read previous entries if you don't know what that is.) But that's aiming for completion during the third quarter of the year, and as soon as I finish that I'll start writing my ass off! I have at least a dozen different movie ideas in my head at (and jotten down in my ideas book) at the moment - and that's just the ones that come to me when I'm not trying to think of any!
Okays, enough rambling. Off to bed. Night all.
Mood: None entered
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